Frustrated

| monday musing | 

Originally, this was supposed to be next week's musing, but somehow, it just fits to what I feel right now.

I'm not gonna lie, half of the time I still worry about the numbers. I still want what other people have. I still get lost in midst of follower and comment counts and just base what I write there. I'm not gonna lie that I keep on forgetting that I'm doing this for myself. That I keep on trying to be someone who I think is better than me.
I'm frustrated.
My head's filled with thoughts, still I can't write. My mind, a chaos of ideas, yet I feel so dull. What more should I do? What more should I do to light the flames that once lit my path, my life.
Empty. I feel empty.
Crumpled papers everywhere. I try and try and try, but somehow I can't sew the perfect letters to form the perfect words right enough to express the feelings I've been burying deep in my core. I can't seem to express these dots and lines, these curves and rhymes.

.
Lost. I feel lost.
Snap. Delete. Snap. Edit. Delete. It's a different kind of lost. I know my way but I don't know why I am. I write and write and write but nothing's just right.
All these just to document my existence. To feel as if I didn't live a full circle, as if I didn't live a rut.
Frustrated. I'm frustrated.
Whatever it is I do, I just can't seem to be good enough. Play the piano, there's someone better who didn't even study it as I did. Write? I once dreamt to be published, but underneath this writer's block and this frustrated writing, what magic could I do? Do art, doodle, do calligraphy, but no one appreciates it.
Is there a place where I can throw this frustration away?