my days have been a journey of finding an escape from reality. to be honest, i’ve been trying to write this post since May? June? but you know, idleness is the devil’s playground. i never paid attention to this before, but it’s my constant reality. the boredom, the laziness, the idleness has been taking it’s toll on my mental health.
am i okay? some days i am, some days i’m not. i don’t know how i’d even write this down and just document what happened for the past few months, but i’ll try.
happenings
- lots of planning // i guess that’s most of the “productive” thing i’ve done. i plan, and plan, and get so fired up to the point that burn myself out. i’m still trying to find balance in being passionate, but not overly passionate to the point of burning out. it’s a process, i’ll get there somehow.
- roller coaster of a mental and emotional state // at some point, in my time alone, i have realised that i’m emotionally constipated (lol). i don’t know how i’d process my emotions and the emotions around me because i feel like i’m feeling everything at once. recently, i’ve thought of doing meditation, but i haven’t done it… i haven’t tried it. again, i’ll get there somehow.
- brewing my own coffee bc why not? // it’s weird that i’m typing this down now since i’ve been having chocolate drinks for breakfast for the past two weeks. but i’m slowly going back to caffeine after my 2-week detox. i found brewed coffee at home and i figured to use it. it brought back my love for iced americano, though i also made some lattes for the days i feel i need a little milk in my life.
- trying to document my days // i miserably failed at this, but i had a good few days? weeks? where i wanted to document my days so it’d somewhat push me to do something worth noting everyday. it’s also around the time that i’m getting stuck in my thoughts a lot, so i ended up writing more about my mental state and just continued to ride that current.
- creating a safe place for myself online // everyone’s online. it’s the only thing that’s keeping us connected to our friends. in the middle of my numerous twitter account, one of my most private account (where only my best friend) follows me in the middle of 20-something strangers who i seem to trust enough (lol), i felt safe that i could pour my thoughts out and everyone’s just mature for proper conversations and even fun times. to be honest, that’s my healthiest timeline in twitter, the rest feels so toxic it’s suffocating.
- trying to be productive // i realised that the only way i could escape my thoughts and emotions was if i’d be busy enough to not let myself sink back in that hole. it’s hard. i’m often productive for a day then would fall back into my rut the following day. again, it’s a process. i’ll get there somehow.
- around the house // my sister stayed with us for around a month and it made the house a lot more livelier than before, it was a breath of fresh air for my brain and my emotions. for what seems like forever, i had someone i could confide in (although not about everything) but it was nice to have someone to talk to comfortably.
- fur babies // around May, one of my dogs gave birth to four puppies. but a month after that i lost my eldest dog (my dog of more or less 13 years). she was the first dog i was really attached to. everyone i knew that she was my baby and losing her was really painful, i’m still grieving. but her passing made me realise how precious now is. it also made me think about how i’d handle patient deaths in the future (because i’m sure i’d have them).
- getting accepted into med school // i lost my dog on the same day i got my acceptance letter. and it’s so crazy because one of the times that my dog got sick back then, i talked to her and asked her to wait for me to get my medical license, or just at least until i get into medical school. she kept her promise.
music
- day6 // i randomly got into day6 during this time. i think it started when hoshi and dk did a cover of their 2 songs. then before i knew it, i was a myday with a denimalz baby and my safe-place-twitter was with people who also like day6.
- what do i love about them \\ i love how no two songs of theirs sound the same. i love the meaning and translations to their songs, it’s not overly poetic to the point that the meaning’s up in the air, it’s poetic, relatable and simple enough for everyone to understand. i love bands, i’m probably still not out of my band phase with american/english music, the same with opm— i prefer bands than soloists.
- my favourite songs \\ cover (포장), afraid, and beautiful feeling would probably be my top 3. though most of their songs are earworms and i catch myself singing lines randomly throughout the day.
- the rose // in midst of listening to day6, i also tumbled across the rose and oh my gosh, woosung’s voice is so unique it’d lure you in. to be honest, i prefer the rose’s live performances over their studio versions because you’d actually see them connected to their music.
- my favourite songs \\ she’s in the rain is my number one favourite especially the bridge part. i love the message of the song.
- one ok rock // my love for one ok rock came back after they announced that they’d do online concerts. i’ve listened to one ok rock since 2009? 2010? clock strikes live hits differently. just, wow. i wasn’t able to watch all online concerts, though i did watch Ambitions 2017 fully (it’s also my favourite setlist)
- my favourite songs \\ clock strikes, one way ticket, good goodbye
podcasts
- dive studio podcasts // i don’t listen to all of them, i mainly listen to HDIGH by Jae and Get Real by BM, Peniel & Ashley. though i have listened to some episodes from their other podcasts.
- HDIGH \\ is intellectually stimulating that’s why i like it. it’s like those random nights where you can’t sleep and you’ve somehow ended up deep in the internet searching about the most random theories or questions. it’s like searching about the most random information you probably don’t need but you’re dying to know.
- GET REAL \\ is like listening to your friends or seniors talk about their experiences. it’s basically like a slumber party but you get some life lessons-ish out of it. it’s their newest series and might be my favourite one.
tv & film
- queer eye & the chef's line // for the time that my sister stayed with us, we almost always have to watch something at 2AM because she’d be working and i’d be reading stuff. she started everything with ‘the final table’ but we managed to finish it after three nights, which was good because we catch ourselves cooking midnight snacks afterwards. then i suggested we watch ‘queer eye’ since she used to watch the original one. i’m proud to say that she got hooked.
- bungo stray dogs // i binged bsd. i think i finished the first and second season in less than a week, then took a break to watch the movie, then made myself watch only two episodes a day for season 3. initially (the very first time i watched it) i found it a bit boring, but it turns out it’s because i haven’t reached the good stuff. to be honest, after watching three seasons, a lot of my questions are not yet answered and i’m just amazed how they still have me despite my impatient ass not getting any answers. it’s definitely a good watch.
- haikyuu // the manga ended recently so i had to watch the anime all over again (especially now that netflix has all four seasons). haikyuu is one of those anime/manga that i could watch over and over again and never get tired of. i’ve rewatched and reread it multiple times and i’m still not tired of it. i love how it’s very grounded and real. the protagonists don’t always win, but they all grow. this is odd for me, but i have no character there that i don’t like. i love every character and i love character developments and their backstories. JUST AMAZING!
currently
- currently? i guess i’m working on passion projects with my friends. we’re planning to do short films.
- i’m also trying to process med school stuff
- been reading a lot, been resting a lot as well to the point that i’ve had multiple days where i just feel useless (lol)
- i also got plants and i’m trying to develop a green thumb because i don’t have one and i really want to have plants in my room
- i’ve been sewing plush doll clothes and i get those little victories when i get the measurement right. so far, my plush has 3 poorly made clothes. but practice makes perfect? right? (i can’t shake off the idea that i’m wasting fabric tho)
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