I was talking with my friend, Dan, the other day and he said something that struck me real hard. It was along the lines of "you're so afraid of life". I'm not sure if that's what he meant, but I would just say that I agree. I am afraid.
The thing that he made me realise recently is that I'm a very fearful person. I'm scared of living my life. I have so many ideas and plans in my brain that just cannot materialise because I'm scared of something that hasn't happened yet. Plus the fact that I'm very impatient when it comes to myself and my progress.
For the past months (almost maybe a year), I've been sharing to him my plans about a podcast or a series that I want to do where I'd just share and create. I told him about wanting to draw again, about wanting to animate things, maybe make videos.
I'm so afraid that I'd hate what I put out because I see so many people doing an amazing job in what I want to do. Rather than my brain going to "if they can do it, I can too," it goes to "why would people look at what I did when there's these amazing stuff already out there?" I'm very well aware that I lack confidence.
Well, there's something about confidence that I'm iffy about? I feel pretentious when I try to be confident. I feel pretentious wanting things, wanting to improve myself. I've had this blog for 5 years (holy crap) and I still feel pretentious when I put something out.
it feels like i'm reading someone else's work. but a part of me thinks that's the real you.
This was something dan told me in that conversation when he opened up about this blog. I am trying to think along those lines now. Whatever it is I put out, even if it feels pretentious, it's still me. It came from me, and my brain so it must be a somewhat part of me.
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