i've been thinking if i would write a letter to 2020 after writing one for 2019 last year. but i guess rather than a letter, it'd be a tribute? that i (we) survived this heck of a year.
i don't think people would disagree if i say that 2020 was a rollercoaster from a torn down amusement park. it wasn't fun, it was scary. it's like every turn and every loop, you lose a screw or your safety belt got cut off. but at the same time, there are little things to celebrate about — like just the pauses before the drops or just a straight path that's kinda calm but doesn't really remove the fact that you might fall off.
it's kinda weird that i'm writing this, a few days before christmas. but at the same time, i cannot even feel the festive season anymore (especially for this year). i was shocked that it's the 21st already!
i feel like i lived 5 years of my life in 2020 alone. a lot of things happened. and it really messes with my brain. honestly? my memory's hazy and i feel like everything's not real. then at random times, i would feel out of myself because i suddenly get hit with reality. wait, this is true.
JANUARY //
i was very much focused on applying to med school to the point that i skipped on visiting back to australia. a big regret now tbh. but at the same time, i still tried to apply to work in spain.
little did i know that things would be difficult as the months go by.
FEBRUARY //
p.s. i prolly won't make this for every month, just the ones i remember things off.
i celebrated my birthday with friends and family (on separate days). i don't remember much of it, it felt quick? but i remember feeling a lot anxious about med school and the expenses it brings. or maybe it's because i started to drink iced americanos instead of my usual lattes.
MARCH //
the first wave of covid hit the philippines and the lockdowns started. a bit of a funny/worrying story is that me, my cousin and my aunt got sick a week? a day? after the lockdowns started. and I was the worst one out of the three of us. I was sick for almost two weeks with a lot of covid symptoms (but testing during that time was not really easy + i was more scared to go to the hospital than quarantine myself in my room). i was burning a 40C fever, high enough to be brought to a nearby clinic, where I was diagnosed with a viral infection. You'd think that they'd ask me to take a test, but nooooo. the doctor just gave me antivirals for a week, and i was sent home. so religiously, i was drinking fever medicine + the antiviral to the point that i lost my sense of taste and smell. there were only two things that I could taste during that time — ketchup and cereal.
at that point i was convinced that i had the virus, but a part of me still didn't want to go out, because that meant i would have to encounter a lot of people including elderly, and if i do have it i might just be spreading it.
but i got better, and now it's an ongoing joke in our household that we're the undocumented cases here in manila.
APRIL TO PRESENT //
around april i found out i got accepted in spain! i could live and work there! but i let that opportunity go because (1) covid, (2) my family was kinda scared about it + i needed to renew my passport but i couldn't because they said that my need for a renewal wasn't "urgent", and (3) i was pretty set on becoming a doctor.
the med school applications is still going. by this time i've had my interviews. but i was still waiting for a certain school that i wanted to go to. (spoiler: i didn't get in), but i did get into two universities.
around this time i was hiding in twitter where i met new friends who became very dear to me and made this whole quarantine life a bit easier. those days were spent playing among us and planning a fund raising event.
around may to june we had new puppies as one of our dogs gave birth. but around the same time (june 30th) my eldest dog passed away. it was honestly heartbreaking because we were with that dog for more or less 13 years. she was born in our house and everyone adored her (even the ones who aren't a fan of pets).
i remember when she got old, i would often talk to her to wait for me to become a doctor or at least until i get into med school. i don't know if it was a coincidence or what but, the day she passed away was the day i got an acceptance letter to one of the universities i applied to.
then, the school year started. everyone was trying to make it as normal as possible. and i was starting med school. i was between excitement and fear (to be honest) because online med school doesn't really sound right? my attention span was not enough for online med school where i have access to a lot of things while in class. though i managed to survive, but at the same time i felt like i wasn't really absorbing what was taught as much as i would if everything was face to face.
around this time, i was getting burn out which i never thought would happen this early because we were only a month in and me and a lot of my friends were already crying and having a hard time with the whole set up. we were all aware that med school's hard, but this felt like a whole new level.
i remember having a conversation with one of my friends in med school where we were crying because it felt like the whole institution/life is against our dreams of becoming a doctor. it felt like they weren't really helping us, it felt like they weren't really putting much effort to teach us what we need to know. on top of that we weren't really passing our quizzes (which hurt a lot).
after that i had talks with my brother (who was actually surprised that i went to med school which was weird because i even asked him what university is better). he was shocked and angry that i jumped into it. and looking back, i see where he's coming from and that i was very stubborn with this decision.
after a lot of talks, a lot of tears and planning. i dropped out of med school. which if you told me last year that i would drop out, i would tell you you're crazy. to say that i was lost doesn't even describe how i felt back then. i was letting go of something i was definitely sure of! i started questioning everything even my philosophy of going against destiny or fate. i was getting consumed by my thoughts to the point that just thinking of anything to do with my life made me anxious. i was getting lost in the past and the future, while i'm alive today.
right now, i'm just grateful that i met a lot of amazing people in my short time there. people who still updaet me with what topics are going on, who support with my current endeavours.
from time to time, we still hang out via video call to watch a movie or concert together or just be each others company while they study (i work).
SO WHAT NOW?
I am currently waiting for the borders to open to move and study in Australia. i talked with my family and they suggested that it'd be best to pursue my studies there.
will i be studying medicine? as of now, that plan is on pause as i try to piece myself together again. i would be studying nursing there as a stepping stone to getting an MD, also as fallback if i don't end up going to med school again.
recently, i've been doing a lot of creative pursuits. i've been drawing a lot. i bought procreate pocket to try redraw the ones i've doodled onto my sketchbook.
i started a podcast, that i currently up now in ancher and spotify. you could listen to it here:
i'd shamelessly plug it here because to be honest i'm excited about this creative endeavour. for the first episode, i talked about how i got there and how the podcast started, plus the plans and ideas around it. but in the long run, i do plan to talk about a lot of things. mainly around the same idea as my "internal monologues".
the whole idea/goal around it is to be your company whenever, just like an old friend equiped with a lot of stories and questions about life.
i'm also writing a story for a friend and i haven't written any stories for a long time but so far they've been enjoying it. i'm just happy at how it's kinda her escape from the stress of med school. i just really enjoy the idea that i could help and connect to people. it makes me giddy.
I began reading love is letting go of fear. I'm taking it slow, because i have a lot of realisations and comments/opinions regarding the book that i cannot power through it enough. but it's a good read for myself right now. I need the revamp with myself lol.
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